8:01 We begin The 78th Annual Academy Awards with a look back at some previous hosts such as Billy Crystal, Chris Rock, Steve Martin, Whoopi Goldberg, David Letterman, and Mel Gibson and Mr. MoviePhone, all declining to host the awards for various reasons. We then see Jon Stewart, in bed with Halle Berry and Jon says how he had a weird dream and that they asked him to host the Oscars. Halle says what makes you think that you aren’t still dreaming. Jon then wakes up next to George Clooney, and asks him if he is dreaming, Clooney says no and Jon makes some excited gestures.
8:07 Stewart makes his way to the stage. “Thank you all very much. I’m so excited to be here. Good Evening Ladies, Gentlemen and Felicity… Tonight is the night we celebrate excellence in film-with me, the fourth male lead from Death to Smoochy”. "Tonight we are being watched by hundreds of millions of people, nearly half of whom are in the process of being adopted by Angelina Jolie. I'm wait-listed."
"It hasn't been the best year for Hollywood. The box office was a little bit down. And piracy continues to be a problem. So let me just say if there's anyone out there involved in illegal movie piracy, don't do it. Take a good look at these people. These are the people you're stealing from. Look at them! Face what you've done! There are women here who could barely afford enough gown to cover their breasts." “The Oscars is really, I guess, the one night of the year where you could see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party. And it's exciting for the stars as well. This is the first time many of you have ever voted for a winner. No, it's good — enjoy. Enjoy your votesThe theme of the award show tonight is a return to glamour. And thank goodness, because for too long Hollywood has done without. Definitely this is an improvement over last year's theme: Night of a Thousand Sweatpants”
8:10 “There are a lot of really big stars here tonight. It's really exciting. We've got the man, Mr. George Clooney, triple nominee. Two of the nominations for Good Night, and Good Luck, which is not just Edward R. Murrow's sign-off, it's also how Mr. Clooney ends all his dates.” "Capote was a groundbreaking film that broke taboos, that showed America not all gay people are virile cowboys. Some are actually effete New York intellectuals." "Capote addressed very similar themes to Good Night, and Good Luck. Both films are about determined journalists, defying obstacles in a relentless pursuit of the truth. Needless to say, both are period pieces." "Steven Spielberg is here. ... A best-director nomination for Munich, a tremendous film, and I congratulate you, sir. From the man who also gave us Schindler's List. Schindler's List and Munich. I think I speak for all Jews when I say I can't wait to see what happens to us next. Trilogy!""One last thing I want to mention — the elephant in the room — the movie everybody was talking about this year. Of course we're talking about Brokeback Mountain. I have no problem with gay themes. There were a lot of them this year. Let's face facts. For God's sakes, the boxing movie was called Cinderella Man." "Charlize Theron is nominated for North Country, a tremendous performance. She plays a woman who is constantly judged on her looks and paid less than her male co-workers. It must be wonderful to be done with that and back in Hollywood."
8:12 “Bjork couldn’t be here tonight, she was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.”
8:13 “Raise your hand if you weren’t in Crash,”…“Walk the Line, it’s Ray with white people” and Jamie Foxx has a wide smile on his face, and Joaquin Phoenix doesn’t.
8:15 One last thing I want to mention — the elephant in the room — the movie everybody was talking about this year. Of course we're talking about Brokeback Mountain. I have no problem with gay themes. There were a lot of them this year. Let's face facts. For God's sakes, the boxing movie was called Cinderella Man." Jon says how he can’t get into Brokeback Mountain because its taking away from the old westerns, where they were all heterosexual. Then a montage of Heterosexual clips from Westerns, very funny clips including some of Gregory Peck and John Wayne. After the montage, “Charlton Heston is cut. He looks like he’s been lifting 20 commandments.”
8:17 But I have to say I'm from New York and I've been out here a week and I've had a great time. I mean that. ... A lot of people say this town is too liberal. Out of touch with mainstream America. An atheistic pleasure dome. A modern-day beachfront Sodom and Gomorrah. A moral black hole. Where innocence is obliterated in an endless orgy of sexual gratification and greed. I don't really have a joke here. I just thought you should know a lot of people are saying that. I been to the parties!"
8:20 Academy Award winner Nicole Kidman comes to the stage to present the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor.
8:21 And The Oscar goes to GEORGE CLOONEY for SYRIANA. “Alright, so I’m not winning director...It’s a funny thing about winning an Academy Award, this will always be sort of synonymous with your name from here on. Oscar-winner George Clooney, sexiest man alive 1997, ‘Batman,’ died today in a freak accident.” He gives a wonderful speech, asking how can these different performance be judged and compared. He also talks about social change, and how in 1939 the Academy was progressive, giving an award to Hattie McDaniel and Clooney claimed that he was “proud to be out of touch”
8:26 Back with Jon Stewart, and Tom Hanks is going to demonstrate how they are going to make sure that winners do not go over their time limits. Hanks give a mock acceptance speech thanking Hooch, and Steven Spielberg among others, and gets smashed by a viola and shot with a dart that was in a trumpet.
8:28 Ben Stiller comes on stage to present the award for excellence for Visual Effects, dressed in a green unitard, and is bobbing around on stage. He says that all that is being seen is a disembodied head and that, “This is blowing Spielberg’s mind”. Stephen shakes his head and lips no.
8:31 King Kong Wins. Jon Stewart comes back and remarks about Ben Stiller showing the world that he is jewish in a green unitard.
8:32 Reese Witherspoon comes out to present the Oscar for Best Animated Feature. The nominees are Howl’s Moving Castle, Wallace and Gromit in the Curse of the Were Rabbit and Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride.
8:34 Wallace and Gromit win, which I was really happy about because they had a good/bad 2005. “Cracking Cheese Gromit”
8:36 Naomi Watts comes out to introduce the first nominee for Best Song, Dolly Parton with Travellin’ Thru from Transamerica.
8:40 The first Best Picture scene comes from Munich. The clip is of Eric Bana racing to stop the bomb from exploding after the little girl comes home and answers the phone, instead of her father.
8:44 “And that’s why I think Scientology is right, not just for this city, but for the country!” Realizing were back Jon Stewart introduced the next presenters, Owen and Luke Wilson. Saying they are, “two talanted brothers, which is also a way to describe the Baldwin brothers.” The Wilson’s are presenting Live Action Short, and the winner is SIX SHOOTER, directed by Martin McDonagh.
8:46 The Wilson brothers introduce the animated characters of Chicken Little and Abby Mallard to present Best Animated Short. The winning short was THE MOON AND THE SUN: AN IMAGINED CONVERSATION.
8:50 Jennifer Aniston, comes to present the Oscar for Best Costume Design. The winner is MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA.
8:53 Russell Crowe comes on stage to present a montage on Biopics.
8:58 The next presenters are Steve Carell and Will Ferrell in heavy makeup to present the award for Best Make Up. Carrell had false eyelashes that seemed to be irritating him since he kept blinking his eyes, and Ferrell face made him look like an Oompa-Loompa. Will asked what Steve was wearing and Steve replied “It’s called pineapple bliss.” The winner is The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe.
9:02 “I have to say congratulations to The Chronicles of Narnia. I'm a little surprised Cinderella Man didn't win that category. I just think, you know, imagine the difficulty in making Russell Crowe look like he got into a fight ... I'm going to be pummeled later this evening, aren't I?”
9:04 Rachel McAdams appears via the screen to discusses the Scientific and Technical Awards which they jokingly say are still going on
9:05 Morgan Freeman comes to present the award for Best Supporting Actress.
9:08 RACHEL WEISZ is the winner. I really liked her speech, thanking the real people who do what she did in the film.
9:09 A scene from the second Best Picture nominee, Good Night, And Good Luck.
9:13 Lauren Bacall comes on to the stage to introduce a look back at film noir.
9:17 “Those movies were amazing but you can’t help watching them and think they’d be better in color”.
9:18 A spoof of paid advertisements for the Best Actress nominees. “Judi Dench took my eye out in a bar fight. Mock aristocrat in send-up-the-dame skit.”
9:20 "Our next presenter is nominated for his role in Hustle & Flow, in which he played a pimp. For those of you in the audience, by the way, pimp (is) sort of like an agent with a better hat." Terrence Howard comes to the stage to present the award for Documentary Short. The winner is Note of Triumph: The Golden Age of Norman Corwin. Corinne Marrinan says that she is not only grateful for the award, but that, “I’d like to thank the academy for seating me next to george Clooney at the nominees luncheon.”
9:23 A huge bow comes on stage to present the award for Best Documentary Feature...er. um Charlize Theron comes on stage to present the award for Best Documentary Feature. The winner is MARCH OF THE PENGUINS.
9:25 Jennifer Lopez comes to the stage to introduce the second Best Song nominee. In the Deep performed (and written) by Kathleen Bird York, a song from the film Crash. In the background there is a car on fire and people dancing slowly and sort of reenacting scenes from the film.
9:34 Jon Stewart before introducing the next presenters had this to say, "For anybody who was concerned during that last number, the material that they used to make the snow is the type of asbestos that is not harmful, unless of course it touches your skin. And also if you are trying to escape a burning car, my suggestion would be not to move in slow motion." Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves come to the stage to present the award for Best Art Direction.
9:36 The award goes to MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA.
9:38 Samuel L Jackson arrives on stage to present a look back at some films that dealt with issues.
9:42 “And none of those issues were ever a problem again… I’m pleased to announce that during that clip, Susan Sarandon mailed us a check for $50,000…Holy crap, we are out of clips. We are literally out of film clips. If you have film clips, send them please. We have another three hours. I don't care if they're on Beta, just send them."
9:43 Sid Dennis, the President of the Academy comes to the stage to be boring.
9:45 Salma Hayek comes to the stage to present the award for Best Original Score, Itzhak Perlman comes to play a piece of each of the nominated scores.
9:53 The winner is BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN, its first award of the night.
9:55 Time for a scene from the third Best Picture nominee, Capote.
9:57 Jake Gyllenhaal comes to the stage to present a look back at epics.
10:01 “I can’t wait til later when we see Oscar’s homage to montages”
10:02 Jessica Alba and Eric Bana arrive on stage to present the award for Sound Mixing.
10:04 The award goes to KING KONG, its second award of the night.
10:05 Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep come to the stage to present the Lifetime Achievement Award for ROBERT ALTMAN. They do a great overlapping dialogue in tribute to Altman.
10:11 Altman gets a standing ovation for the five-times nominated director, mentions his wife and his 30 year old heart that he received during transplant surgery. He says that he is really just making one super long film.
10:19 Stewart introduces the next presenter, saying that, Our next presenter is a very famous musician – you don’t know him. Go upstairs and ask your children to explain.” Chris “Ludacris” Bridges comes to the stage to present the third Best Song nominee, It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp, from Hustle and Flow. This time the dancers on stage are pretending to be pimps and hookers.
10:24 Queen Latifah comes to the stage to present the award for Best Song, and amazingly, It’s Hard Out Here For a Pimp from HUSTLE AND FLOW, wins. There speech is very incomprehensible, and needed to be censored, thanking, We want to thank our choreographer, Jesus, the Academy, know what I’m saying? Ev’ybody man! We love ya. Ludacris, whassup? George Clooney my favourite man! We outta here!”
10:28 Back with Jon Stewart, “You know what? I think it just got a little easier out here for a pimp. I think it did. ... Now I know the Three 6 Mafia is gonna get into it with Itzhak Perlman's posse. I know it. And then they have only one way to solve it: dreidel-off...How come they’re the most excited people here tonight?”
” Jennifer Garner comes out to present the next award for Sound Editing, and right before that we saw another spoof. On her way out Garner slips on her dress and almost falls. As she finally gets to the stage she says, “Thank you, I do my own stunts.”
10:30 King Kong is the winner, getting its third award of the night.
10:32 George Clooney comes out to present the moment of remembrance. Including, Pat Morita, Vincent Schiavelli, Sandra Dee, Chris Penn, John Mills, Shelley Winters, Anne Bancroft, and Richard Pryor, among others, who have died since the last Academy Awards.
10:39 The next award is Best Film in a Foreign Language, being presented by Will Smith. The winner is TSOTSI from South Africa, directed by Gavin Hood.
10:42 “For those of you keeping score at home. Martin Scorsese: zero Oscars, Three 6 Mafia: one”.
10:43 “Oh for God’s sake! They ate the third trombonist! That’s terrible” realizing the orchestra was hungry Stewart offered them a fun size candy bar that they could split 100 ways. Best Editing is next, and being presented by Ziyi Zhang.
10:44 Crash wins its first award of the night.
10:46 Hilary Swank comes to the stage to present the award for Best Actor.
10:49 And the Academy Award goes to PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN for Capote. He gives a really nice speech, thanking his mother, who raised him and his siblings all by herself.
10:52 Brokeback Mountain is the The fourth Best Picture nominee to have their scene shown.
10:56 “ Man we are cruisin’ tonight. We’re going to get home early enough to watch Desperate Housewives.
John Travolta is the next presenter, presenting the award for Outstanding Achievement in Cinematography. MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA wins, although I don’t know how it beat Good Night and Good Luck or Batman Begins (both would have been more deserving).
10:59 Jamie Foxx is Presenting the award Best Actress. And I just have to say that I love the way he is dressed in a black tuxedo with sort of a robins egg blue shirt and black tie. Nice!
11:02 And the Academy Award goes to, Reese Witherspoon. “People used to ask June how she was doing, and she would say 'I'm just trying to matter.' I know what she means."
11:09 Back with Jon Stewart and the next awards for screenplay, both original and adapted.
11:10 Dustin Hoffman will present the award for Best Adapted Screenplay, and almost opens the envelope before saying the nominees. He says, “this stuff is so much harder than acting.” The award goes to BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN and Larry McMurtry. McMurty is wearing jeans as he goes onstage.
11:14 The next award is Best Original Screenplay, being presented by Uma Thurman. Crash wins.
11:17 Crash, the final best picture nominee, has its clip.
11:20 Jon Stewart, again, “You know, as I watched Brokeback Mountain win for best adapted screenplay, I thought... I didn’t know we could wear jeans! If I ever get invited back I’m wearing overalls.”
11:21 To present the award for Achievement in Directing, Tom Hanks. And the Academy Awards goes to Ang Lee, who makes a Brokeback Moutain joke, saying, “I wish I could quit you.”
11:24 Jack Nicholson, is the final presenter, presenting the award for Best Picture. And the Oscar goes to Crash. After a moment of silence since everyone is in shock, Paul Haggis makes his way to the stage. It’s the biggest upset of the night and I couldn’t be happier.
